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Past and Peace

  It was the closure I never knew I needed, it came in a dream, and I woke up with the vividness still lingering in my mind. All the hurt deeply rooted in the unspoken pain I ignored for years was given a much-welcomed atonement. He came to me in a dream, we were both surprised to see each other, and I felt the emotions I once felt for him; the moment I saw him from afar; my heart raced with excitement and gladness, a moment where I thought I belonged to someone, I am his, he was mine, and everything around us went a blur. I would like to believe that the dream is the unspoken apology- my heart sought healing for a while until it numbed from waiting until I forgot that there was a wound that scarred my capacity to open myself to anyone again.   In that dream, the flashback came like a flood seeping through every crevice of the past we once shared; his smile brightened up the room, and I was reminded of how much I know him- and how much I don’t, and how much I wished everything didn’t e

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Dear, 

It’s as if it has become a routine, like sunrise and sunset, and as a matter of fact, it didn’t overwhelm me as much as I thought it would-  at least, not anymore, I have been expecting it- though praying it would last for a little more, but at the back of my mind, I have it in complete certainty, that whatever happened yesterday would just always be a thing of the past, so I have learned to seize the moment, especially with people so evanescent and too good to be true.

I have learned not to hold a grudge, to just let them by my life as if I’m a freeway, a stopover, a transient home for souls so burdened by loneliness. I know that there will come a time that they would leave, and in leaving I should just open the door like a gracious host and thank them for coming.

You are a recollection of a scattered past that I am once defined by, a reminder of the place where I once lost myself, and somehow I have convinced myself that now, I was found, by you.

But the cycle of life has been so clear to me, it doesn’t even feel unfair, I was doing well just before you came, and I will be fine again, just like before, I know this because I have done it more than a handful of times.

It was wrong to invest, we know that from the start and I almost didn’t follow. I say almost because I prayed for you to be the last, but maybe praying for something for a long term with just the amount of time we’ve spent was wrong- I was just caught in the moment.

So, if you’ve decided to leave, just go, you don’t owe me an explanation, but if by chance you want to pass by again, I’m afraid that you might not be welcome anymore, I can only nurse a broken soul once and it would be too much for myself to do it for the same person again.



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