Second of Many: Year of Yes

“Saying yes . . . saying yes is courage. Saying yes is the sun. Saying yes is life.” 

― Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person

I've decided to stop being too careful with my choice of words when I write. I was afraid that people might find my journal and read it and leave a bitter taste in their mouths. But because I am currently reading Shonda Rhimes' Year of yes, it gives me this different kind of courage not to give a damn. I realize that honesty can be painful- like a stab in the heart, a prick by a thorn, a splint on the nail, a fishbone on the throat.  

But once removed- once what is hidden behind the mask is revealed, most of the time,  after the blood stops gushing, when the platelets aggregate, the liberation from the bottled up fright, is empowering.

With what happened in the past, I'm learning to enjoy and appreciate my freedom and solitude. I'm starting to allow myself to come first, to deserve the best, to buy the best seller on the menu regardless of the price. I now see the worth I always try to disregard and belittle- my worth. I'm beginning to stop making myself small just to fit in, and I'm starting to embrace that I may be good, but I am not and will never be perfect.

I have stopped making a character of my ideal person with someone else's face. I'm beginning to sew my own cape- fully sequined, shinning-shimmering when hit by the light.

Yes, tonight is the start of me saying yes. Yes, to things that will make me grow, things that will give me a new experience, things that will scare the hell out of me, yes, tonight is the start of my YES.

I have been afraid to say yes before because I am comfortable in the dim, like a plant that thrives indirectly from the sun. I'm done living under the shade, I'm done begging for light, I'm done thanking for crumbs, tonight is my YES, yes to the blinding light and burning heat, yes to the pain that comes with growth, yes to the time I will give to myself.

Tonight is when wishful thinking becomes a goal in progress. Tonight is the night I will reclaim myself, tonight is the yes to allow myself to imbibe a little more courage. Tonight is the night I say YES.

Tonight is also the night I will humble myself to God, to give Him everything, to surrender, to live through his plans. Tonight I will open my heart to everything he wants for me, not half-baked, not half-heartedly.

Starting tomorrow, I will live my life with full consciousness. I will take care of myself, I will give the love I have freely provided to the people in the past to myself-and more. Tomorrow, my first yes is to a cup of coffee, freshly brewed, savory, and creamy, and as I start my day, the Yes in my heart will be turned on, A year of YES. I am saying yes to a year of YES. I will start making a character of my ideal person, but this time, with my own face.