I found the same peace I had before when I was alone, and I realize that I miss it. That’s what he said when we were at the brink of breaking our ties. I stuttered and tried to bargain for the sake of saving our relationship, but it seems he had made up his mind, and no matter how much I offer, he doesn’t accept, because his peace means everything to him even if it means leaving.
I know in my heart that I felt his love, it’s with the memories of our laughters, of how he always fills my plate with rice and viand whenever we eat, how he succumbs to my choice of Jollibee fried chicken when we go out, and when he prepares coffee for me when we’re at their house, it’s on every piece of chocolate he shares considering how much he loves it, it’s on his embrace- the warmth and security I feel knowing that he is around. His love radiates like sunshine to a leaf, nurturing, and unquestionable, but the sun needs to prepare for dusk, and perhaps, at that moment, it was time to accept his sunset.
I say this with the full disclaimer that I am over him and that perhaps, the main reason I can write about our story is that I am over him. I have come to a certainty that our paths will never cross again, but I feel like ours is a story on a book that you re-read again and again from time to time, and the “aha” moments can only be surmounted right after the retrospective reading.
When we make choices for ourselves, we should be prepared for the collateral damage and opportunity costs. When we choose to value ourselves, it means that we emphasize our own advantages and growth; this then would translate to losing the things that will not bring us betterment. When people say that they are trying to find themselves, so they have to let go, perhaps they really do, or if they use it as their reason, at least it is a form of consolation, that no matter how great we are, no matter how much worth we have and no matter how desirable we have built ourselves, we are not what they need. It’s like asking a thirsty person in the desert to choose gold over water, completely incommensurable.
Whenever I put directions on my examinations, I always write, “choose the best answer” It’s necessary to place this because there are several choices that may presume a right choice, but what we are, as human beings, are always after the best option. Perhaps we are as valuable as A and B, but C surpasses us all, that doesn’t mean that we’re not good enough, it just simply means that there will be a question where we will be someone’s best answer.
Sometimes, reality has to be taken with a grain of salt. It’s not as glamorous as how koreanovelas and romcoms perceive. We will never be the perfect character with the perfect set of teeth, beautiful blonde hair, and perfect figure with an astonishingly impressive resume and has a passion for literature, food and arts while defending the universe against the dark forces. But while we are far more complex and less dazzling, at least, we are real.
My take away with his choice is that, just like me, he values his worth, and I am his opportunity cost, I am his loss of potential gain when he chose himself, it’s not selfish, his choice was necessary. Because no matter how much I glamorize myself, how I decorate every inch, and how I embellish myself with all these good traits and romcom facades, I will never be the water that will extinguish his burning necessity for inner peace.
When we said goodbye, it was not a bad breakup, it was a simple exchange of wishes, I wished him well, and he wished me well too. After all, we were not the C to each of our questions, but we were simply the A, and the B, we were good… almost good enough.
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