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Past and Peace

  It was the closure I never knew I needed, it came in a dream, and I woke up with the vividness still lingering in my mind. All the hurt deeply rooted in the unspoken pain I ignored for years was given a much-welcomed atonement. He came to me in a dream, we were both surprised to see each other, and I felt the emotions I once felt for him; the moment I saw him from afar; my heart raced with excitement and gladness, a moment where I thought I belonged to someone, I am his, he was mine, and everything around us went a blur. I would like to believe that the dream is the unspoken apology- my heart sought healing for a while until it numbed from waiting until I forgot that there was a wound that scarred my capacity to open myself to anyone again.   In that dream, the flashback came like a flood seeping through every crevice of the past we once shared; his smile brightened up the room, and I was reminded of how much I know him- and how much I don’t, and how much I wished everything didn’t e
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Lockdown Journal No. 4 (April 22, 2020)



There is something about the number forty. The great flood ended after forty days, Jesus, Elijah and Moses fasted for forty days, Egypt was desolated for 40 years and it took the same number of years to restore Israel. It is believed that this signifies a radical transition and transformation, a trial period for strength and courage, a moment of metanoia.

Today is the 40thday of Quarantine. If I may interject some observations, today was extra hot, 42 degrees.  It rained for a while but it made the air humid. I was able to rescue the plant at the office; miraculously, it still survived without water for more than a month. 

The day went by fast, I woke up at around 8 am, I was planning to do some exercise but I woke up late, then I prepared to go to school to get all the test papers for me to validate my records, then I attended a webinar, an online meeting, and I had dinner. I guess the brisk passing of time is evident of a productive day. 

I am currently trying to digest a new book, Do it anyway, by Kent Keith, it’s about doing the paradoxical commandments not because of the merits, but because they satisfy the soul. I also learned a lot from the web-mentoring a while ago, I was asked to sing in jest, I obliged but with reluctance, then the mentor said, now, I want you to sing again, this time, I want you to feel it as if it is an offering, a tribute, an homage- and I swear, I felt the dynamic shift in my voice, then she said, when you do things because you know why you are doing them, they become purposeful and they give meaning to the randomness. 

What I learn today is that we have to be intentional in every action that we do and there must always be a purpose to every movement, but in the event when purpose seems to have left our hearts, when we have sought out every inch of our humanity, yet to no avail, I hope that we can also find peace and solace that maybe, God wants us to simply be still.

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