Lockdown Journal No. 5 April 23, 2020

Nothing really much happened today, much like any other day, my end goal was to survive, and survive I did, so hooray?!

I’ve had this song in my head for weeks now and it goes like this:

Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees
And all will be alright in time
From waves overgrown come the calmest of seas
And all will be alright in time
Wounds of the past will eventually heal
And all will be alright in time
'Cause all of this comes with a love that is real
I said all will be alright in time

All will be alright in time.

What a beautiful reminder.

I am not an optimistic person. I am a critical thinker, and borderline over-thinker. I validate, weigh and think things through with an objective outlook. This pandemic has taken a toll on everyone’s life, and optimism at this point is becoming a rare trait, and sometimes it can even translate to toxic positivity. I always check my privilege, I know for a fact that I am beyond blessed to have this opportunity to bicker about my thoughts rather than scavenge for food or shelter, I am not even a frontliner, so in thinking it through, I am graced with comfort, but with this comfort comes the compassion for those who are not as lucky as me, those who have no food on their plates, those who risk and lost their lives because of this turmoil.  

I think I speak for most of the people that this is a moment of absolute disorientation. Everyone’s goal has been shifted from one remarkable thing to simply surviving, so I guess we should be lenient to ourselves that if we are surviving at the moment, something is being accomplished. We have to learn to set aside the non essentials. This pandemic is not a retreat, it is a crisis, and crisis reveal what truly matters. 

Productivity is very dire, it should not be a requirement, but it should be an opportunity- at least, once you get past the emotional disaster that this pandemic ensues. 

But because I am trying to turn a new leaf, I want to be more forgiving with myself, to allow a little space for consideration, like how a seed grows when the soil is somehow loose. I want to focus my attention to the important things in my life, to pursue something worthwhile while being lent with the days of living. I want to make it my goal to end my last breath with a smile, to finally be able to say, that was one beautiful ride.