I have a passion for long walks, I remember when I was in South Korea, it was my first time out of the country and I did it alone, because that time, I was supposed to have the trip with my partner but we broke up prior, so I braved the adventure alone. I roamed around Myeongdong and I went to Seoul tower everyday, I walked starting from my hotel room up to the peak where there were thousands of locks that were supposed to be an everlasting promise of love. It takes about an hour and a half, plus a few pauses because of the steep road to reach the peak but since the weather that time was cold- around a degree Celsius, I barely feel my sweat.
Back then I was fearless, I was goal-oriented, I was unstoppable, I was a force of nature, I had guts, I am almost on top of the moon, all these because I was young.
Years have gone by and I realize that I am just growing old and not really growing up, while piles and piles of responsibilities and social expectations arrived, I can hardly catch a breath. I lost a part of me that made me thought of my invincibility. Reality hit hard, took me off guard, landed on my knees and I guess I never fully recovered.
My ego was hurt the most, I am not the superhuman I thought I was after all. I am not special, I am just like anybody else. The flames of desire to finish my goals started to die and all I was left with are memories of the naïve, self-centered, yet brave me.
Growing old, I have searched for deeper meaning in my life- what I should have amounted to and what I should have become. It’s such a shame that after everything I thought I could be, I have just over proclaimed and underachieved. I feel like time is fleeting, and I just let it go by like a leaf being carried by the flow of the river.
My dad’s barber told me I grow so much facial hair and asked me how old I am, so told him my age, amused, he said Bata ka pa pala sir eh, I wonder where he based his assumption, was it from his own earthly length of stay or was it because I just look like a caveman due to my growing beard. Then it dawned on me that perhaps I am not the only one feeling pressured to become someone, to achieve greater heights and to build a legacy. What if time is relative to what we are supposed to accomplish? What if it was written in God’s plan that I have to undergo this existential crisis first to realize that my grit was never really lost on me?
I’ve read from a book, 31 days towards trusting God, that everything that happens to us is not just coincidental, they are perfectly laid plans that mean to serve a purpose once the turn of events unfold, like how Joseph was maltreated by his siblings and end up being one of the most influential characters in the bible, the struggles of today will play a part of the success of tomorrow, and maybe we will be able to discern it in retrospect, or maybe not, but everything, good or bad, is a plan well laid for us. All that is left to do is to TRUST the maker, without ifs, without buts.
I’ve been getting plenty of wisdom from this book and I want to apply every lesson to my life. I guess what I need to do is to start again, with a clean slate, disregarding everything from the past but carrying the lessons I’ve learned. I know I’ve aged a lot since I was that vivacious and rambunctious child who went to South Korea alone, but just like my passion, every journey always starts with the first step, and maybe it's time to walk again.
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