I always have this conspiracy that whenever something good happens to me, it will be followed by something awful, dreadful or worse, something deadly. So it's hard for me to truly celebrate something because I will always anticipate something going wrong in the back of my head. It's as if I cannot have a sliver of happiness without the cut of something dire or unfortunate.
Last night, I found out that I was paid for my work a few months ago. I was ecstatic at first because I've buried the thought of being paid for it and convinced myself that it was just an OTY- "overtime, thank you" gig. After a few minutes, my mom sent a message on the family GC saying that the dog we were taking care of in the province had just died.
I wish this were just an isolated case. Still, unfortunately, it has happened many times before. So the thought of hoping for better days has been muted in my mind, eternally shut off and forever to rest in peace. This thought is also why I don't dream too grand anymore. I have been trying to do the bare minimum to function, enough not to be called a bum and enough to be strayed on the line of existence.
I appreciate the mundane because being in the ordinary is like being between the good and the bad. I have nothing to spend much effort on, nothing to have my hopes up, just flying by until another day comes. But I guess being in the comfort of the stillness also comes with the price, stagnation.
I guess I'm not the only one experiencing the brain fog because of this pandemic, everything that happened in the past two years seemed to be a nightmare that occurred in one dreadful dream, and it feels like I'm still in the 2020 multiverse. It's hard to get my head out of the thought that it's 2022 already, and partly, I feel dismayed that I could not accomplish something noteworthy during this time. But then again, surviving this pandemic without even a single covid case in my household, without catching any colds, and still having my work despite the turmoil is still a success.
I was browsing the stack of books on my laptop, and my eyes were caught by the book written by Mel Robbins about the five-second rule. She said that whenever you are contemplating doing something, get ahead of the idea of overthinking and count backward from five to one. In an impulse, begin the task without doing any SWOT analysis.
"Later, I would learn that you mentally shift the gears in your mind when you count backward. You interrupt your default thinking and do what psychologists call "assert control." The counting distracts you from your excuses and focuses your mind on moving in a new direction."
Excerpt From: Mel Robbins. "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage."
I didn't finish reading the book because it was full of testimonials. Everything I need to know is written in chapter 1 already. I realized that I've been doing that for the longest time, but I was never really aware of the scientific value it holds, so to test if it still works with me, I counted 5,4,3,2 and 1 and then left to go to the gym.
I've realized that what stops me from doing something I need to accomplish is not the lack of motivation but the overreaching hesitation that comes a millisecond before I have convinced myself to start.
When I brave that millisecond by just playing dumb and ignoring the fallacies of what could be and by simply pushing through, most of the time, I catch my breath and realize that it isn't that hard.
This pandemic is far from over, and the world is getting worse- not that I am being pessimistic, just playing it real. However, I think it's time to accept that it won't be better anytime soon, which should not stop me from doing the things I must do for myself. It's time to stop using this as an excuse to procrastinate and slack off, and it's time to admit to myself that it's time to move finally.
It's good that I am now able to acknowledge where I am without trying to make a lame excuse or trying to hide from reality. It also gives comfort knowing that I am not the only one feeling this; there is a sense of collective despair- and while I do not wish others any misery, the truth is, some have it worse. So now, I am trying to make sense of the discomfort that comes after the joy, how I should not discount the triumph that comes once in a while. Maybe, just like the five-second rule, I have to consider things backward and believe that everything awful, dreadful, or even deadly will be followed by something worth celebrating. After all, I am still a firm believer that life is a gift that will always keep on giving, and it's only up to me where to look.
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